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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Chick Survival Guide
I hate horror movies. I see absolutely no reason why someone would pay good money in order to be scared out of their minds. However, since I have four brothers and a brother-in-law who have absolutely no concern for my tender nerves, I've seen my fair share of scary movies.
I am always amazed by the stupidity of chicks on these movies. (Cue an ultra-feminist girl-power rant here.) So, lest you find yourself in the midst of a horror movie unprepared, I've compiled this handy little guide for you:
1.) Don't be married/related/friends with any celebrities/politicians/scientists.
This seems like a no-brainer. We all know being connected to important people is hazardous to your health. If your relative is a celebrity, you'll be kidnapped for a vast ransom. A politician? Kidnapped for political leverage. If you're related to a scientist, your imminent danger is directly proportional to the importance of their work. He's studying the mating calls of endangered loons? You're probably safe. But if he's just discovered a new biological weapon, you're toast.
(Fair warning: If any of you people become famous, I'm cutting my connection to you.)
2.) Quit the cheer squad.
Let's face it. Unless you're living in a Heroes-type universe where the future of the entire world depends on your survival, being a cheerleader seriously jeopardizes your life-expectancy.
3.) Stay in the car.
Do you know why they never make movies about chicks who stay in the car when their fella goes after the bad guy? Because those girls don't get killed/captured/tortured/used-as-leverage-against-said-fella. And in all honesty, that would make for a crappy movie.
4.) Don't babysit at remote locations.
We all know I don't like to babysit. But on the rare occasions that I do lower my standards, I always babysit at my house. (I have legos, babydolls, 36 hours worth of Pixar movies, and I make a mean PBJ. Bonus: I don't have to do my makeup.) You want me to watch your kids out at your extremely large and extremely abandoned lake house with no cell phone service? I don't think so.
5.) Don't enter the alley.
I actually read this in a book once, but I was so impressed by the logic that I've added to it my own personal repertoire of advice. If someone points a gun at you and tells you to enter an alley, abandoned building, or other secluded spot...say no. I'm serious. Say: "Look, I know you think you're smart and powerful, and all, but I am not about to make this easy on you. If you're going to shoot me, then you're going to have to do it in front of all these witnesses. If you're not going to shoot me, then you can just wander on your little way, no hard feelings. But no way am I going to enter that alley."
6.) Always carry.
I'm all for Second Amendment rights, but this point has a more practical application. A masked villain is likely going to think twice about trussing you up when you pull an Uzi out of your back pocket. (Confession: I have no idea what an Uzi really is.)
7.) Don't investigate strange noises.
Again, a no-brainer. If you hear a strange noise in the basement, on no account should you investigate. You should especially not investigate said noise armed only with a flashlight. (Remember that Uzi?) If you hear a strange noise, grab your cell phone - which has full service because you are not babysitting at a remote lake house - and barricade yourself in your bedroom until daylight.
...If I've missed any, feel free to add them in the comments.
I am always amazed by the stupidity of chicks on these movies. (Cue an ultra-feminist girl-power rant here.) So, lest you find yourself in the midst of a horror movie unprepared, I've compiled this handy little guide for you:
1.) Don't be married/related/friends with any celebrities/politicians/scientists.
This seems like a no-brainer. We all know being connected to important people is hazardous to your health. If your relative is a celebrity, you'll be kidnapped for a vast ransom. A politician? Kidnapped for political leverage. If you're related to a scientist, your imminent danger is directly proportional to the importance of their work. He's studying the mating calls of endangered loons? You're probably safe. But if he's just discovered a new biological weapon, you're toast.
(Fair warning: If any of you people become famous, I'm cutting my connection to you.)
2.) Quit the cheer squad.
Let's face it. Unless you're living in a Heroes-type universe where the future of the entire world depends on your survival, being a cheerleader seriously jeopardizes your life-expectancy.
3.) Stay in the car.
Do you know why they never make movies about chicks who stay in the car when their fella goes after the bad guy? Because those girls don't get killed/captured/tortured/used-as-leverage-against-said-fella. And in all honesty, that would make for a crappy movie.
4.) Don't babysit at remote locations.
We all know I don't like to babysit. But on the rare occasions that I do lower my standards, I always babysit at my house. (I have legos, babydolls, 36 hours worth of Pixar movies, and I make a mean PBJ. Bonus: I don't have to do my makeup.) You want me to watch your kids out at your extremely large and extremely abandoned lake house with no cell phone service? I don't think so.
5.) Don't enter the alley.
I actually read this in a book once, but I was so impressed by the logic that I've added to it my own personal repertoire of advice. If someone points a gun at you and tells you to enter an alley, abandoned building, or other secluded spot...say no. I'm serious. Say: "Look, I know you think you're smart and powerful, and all, but I am not about to make this easy on you. If you're going to shoot me, then you're going to have to do it in front of all these witnesses. If you're not going to shoot me, then you can just wander on your little way, no hard feelings. But no way am I going to enter that alley."
6.) Always carry.
I'm all for Second Amendment rights, but this point has a more practical application. A masked villain is likely going to think twice about trussing you up when you pull an Uzi out of your back pocket. (Confession: I have no idea what an Uzi really is.)
7.) Don't investigate strange noises.
Again, a no-brainer. If you hear a strange noise in the basement, on no account should you investigate. You should especially not investigate said noise armed only with a flashlight. (Remember that Uzi?) If you hear a strange noise, grab your cell phone - which has full service because you are not babysitting at a remote lake house - and barricade yourself in your bedroom until daylight.
...If I've missed any, feel free to add them in the comments.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Of Coffee and Choir Risers
I sat in the pew during the testimony time of our Wednesday night service. Discouragement and discontent pooled at my feet. One by one, members of my church family gave testimonies of healing and victory. It had apparently been an amazing week of God's working. But each new revelation of God's power, instead of encouraging me, sent me farther and farther into my puddle of pity.
I grumbled in my soul. Why isn't God meeting MY need?! Are my needs not important, too? And it's not just for me. It's for my students. It's for my ministry! Shouldn't that get some sort of priority??
(I need choir risers. The cheapest I've seen them is $1500. Since I can't just snap my fingers and make them appear, I've been trying to raise the funds, but every thing I try seems to be "cut off at the pass." It's rather frustrating, and more than a little discouraging. Ergo...the grumbling.)
I would love to be able to report that I immediately repented of my sin of discontent and doubt, but that didn't happen at all. I wasted the rest of the service pouting and whining to God about my problem.
Finally, I offered Him an ultimatum (because that always works out so well): OK, God. I know you are capable of providing this - all in your own good time. But I'm really, really discouraged right now. Couldn't you just do something to help out my faith? It could be something little. ...anything at all??
Apparently, God didn't feel like answering.
Two days later, I was sitting in the drive-thru at my favorite/local Starbucks - pretty much my home away from home. It seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time. Finally, it was my turn to approach the window, and the sweet little barista handed me my order with a smile, an apology for the wait, and a voucher for a free coffee...which struck me as ironic and rather humorous since the coffee I had been waiting for was already free. I reflected on the fact that I had been getting a lot of free coffees lately...and then God hit me in the face with a ton of spiritual bricks...
---
I love Starbucks. I love my Starbucks. My students know this, and invariably I receive quite a large number of Starbucks gift cards for Christmas. Last Christmas was a record year. My kids gave me so many Starbucks cards that I figured I would be caffeinated for months. However, we were having a troubled year. There were miffed attitudes and hurt feelings and misunderstandings that were beginning to build a wall between students. I was praying for wisdom and direction.
Take your students to Starbucks.
What?!
Spend time with them. Outside of school. Let them know you care about them.
But. That costs money. You know I'm poor.
Use your gift cards.
But those are mine.
What's more important? Free coffee? or reaching your students?
I don't mean to say that God and I had that exact conversation, but it was something along those lines, and the moral of the story is that I ended up taking my students to Starbucks and spending my gift cards on them instead of on myself. (It worked, by the way. Walls came down. Relationships were repaired. Obstacles were overcome. ...but that's another story.) I knew I was doing the right thing, but I pouted about losing my free coffee - apparently, I need to work on that "cheerful giving" thing...
---
As I left the drive-thru and pulled out onto the main road, I began to think back. How many vouchers and free and complimentary coffees had I gotten in the past few months? Too many to remember. A dozen at least, and here was one more. I felt about as tall as a squashed gnat as the answer was gently whispered in my heart:
Oh ye of little faith...I've been paying you back for that coffee, and you didn't even notice. Don't you think I've got a handle on your other needs too? Why, oh why, do you doubt?
So...I guess I'll get those choir risers after all...
I grumbled in my soul. Why isn't God meeting MY need?! Are my needs not important, too? And it's not just for me. It's for my students. It's for my ministry! Shouldn't that get some sort of priority??
(I need choir risers. The cheapest I've seen them is $1500. Since I can't just snap my fingers and make them appear, I've been trying to raise the funds, but every thing I try seems to be "cut off at the pass." It's rather frustrating, and more than a little discouraging. Ergo...the grumbling.)
I would love to be able to report that I immediately repented of my sin of discontent and doubt, but that didn't happen at all. I wasted the rest of the service pouting and whining to God about my problem.
Finally, I offered Him an ultimatum (because that always works out so well): OK, God. I know you are capable of providing this - all in your own good time. But I'm really, really discouraged right now. Couldn't you just do something to help out my faith? It could be something little. ...anything at all??
Apparently, God didn't feel like answering.
Two days later, I was sitting in the drive-thru at my favorite/local Starbucks - pretty much my home away from home. It seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time. Finally, it was my turn to approach the window, and the sweet little barista handed me my order with a smile, an apology for the wait, and a voucher for a free coffee...which struck me as ironic and rather humorous since the coffee I had been waiting for was already free. I reflected on the fact that I had been getting a lot of free coffees lately...and then God hit me in the face with a ton of spiritual bricks...
---
I love Starbucks. I love my Starbucks. My students know this, and invariably I receive quite a large number of Starbucks gift cards for Christmas. Last Christmas was a record year. My kids gave me so many Starbucks cards that I figured I would be caffeinated for months. However, we were having a troubled year. There were miffed attitudes and hurt feelings and misunderstandings that were beginning to build a wall between students. I was praying for wisdom and direction.
Take your students to Starbucks.
What?!
Spend time with them. Outside of school. Let them know you care about them.
But. That costs money. You know I'm poor.
Use your gift cards.
But those are mine.
What's more important? Free coffee? or reaching your students?
I don't mean to say that God and I had that exact conversation, but it was something along those lines, and the moral of the story is that I ended up taking my students to Starbucks and spending my gift cards on them instead of on myself. (It worked, by the way. Walls came down. Relationships were repaired. Obstacles were overcome. ...but that's another story.) I knew I was doing the right thing, but I pouted about losing my free coffee - apparently, I need to work on that "cheerful giving" thing...
---
As I left the drive-thru and pulled out onto the main road, I began to think back. How many vouchers and free and complimentary coffees had I gotten in the past few months? Too many to remember. A dozen at least, and here was one more. I felt about as tall as a squashed gnat as the answer was gently whispered in my heart:
Oh ye of little faith...I've been paying you back for that coffee, and you didn't even notice. Don't you think I've got a handle on your other needs too? Why, oh why, do you doubt?
So...I guess I'll get those choir risers after all...
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